|
Sharon Colon's Jokes and Poems Page |
|
Candidate for a Pullet Surprise By Jerrold H. Zar, Northern Illinois University Journal of Irreproducible Results 39, 1 (Jan-Feb 1994): 13 Eye have a spelling chequer, It came with my Pea Sea. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss Steaks I can knot sea. Eye strike the quays and type a whirred And weight four it two say Weather eye am write oar wrong It tells me straight a weigh. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your shore real glad two no. Its vary polished in its weigh. My chequer tolled me sew. A chequer is a bless thing, It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right all stiles of righting, And aides me when eye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too bee a joule. The chequer pours o'er every word Two cheque sum spelling rule. The original version of this poem was written by Jerrold H. Zar in 1992. The title was suggested by Pamela Brown, the opening lines drafted by Mark Eckman in 1991. An unsophisticated spell checker will find little or no fault with this poem because it checks words in isolation. A more sophisticated spell checker will make use of a language model to consider the context in which a word occurs. This poem is also known as Owed to a Spelling Checker. Almost always the poem is attributed to "Anonymous" or, more playfully, to "Sauce Unknown". Full, longer version or as a small PDF file. From Rolo in Tasmania.... Christmas Eve at the Pearly Gates Three men died and met Saint Peter at the pearly gates on Xmas eve. "In honour of this holy season," St Peter said, "you must show me something that symbolises Xmas to get into heaven". The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates", St Peter said. The second man produced a set of keys, shook them up and down and said; "They are bells". St Peter said; "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man was still searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St Peter raised his eyebrows and asked; "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied; "They are Carol's". Thought you might enjoy this if you haven't seen it before... Susi, Bondi Junction, NSW, Australia. English is a Stupid Language Let's face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea Nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends. "I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are." - Milton Berle From: Rachel L. Akers To: Paul M. Wilson Msg #175, 26-Nov-97 10:54:26 Subject: Really Bad Puns Well & truly pinched!!! I've been trying to explain the nature of Puns to a young cousin... Collecting examples has been FUN!!! <evil grin> Some of the short ones.. Adam to Eve - "I'll wear the plants in this family." A good pun is it's own reword. Alcohol makes you lean Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Deliver a pizza? Who ever heard of a liver pizza? Christmas Tune: Wreck the malls with cows on Harleys Ghosts are merely unsubstantiated roomers. I can walk on water, but on alcohol I tend to stagger. Incorrigible punster -- do not incorrige! It's been SURREAL! But I can't Dali now! I was in denial. Now I'm in de Atlantic. No one can stop an earthquake....Shift Happens Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein. Poetry isn't obscene...it's per verse. RACIAL PREJUDICE: A pigment of your imagination. Stupid Snake (noun): 1. Slithering idiot. Support bacteria--it's the only culture some people have! The beauty of a pun is in the aaarrrgh of the beholder Think....or thwim! Writticism: A humorous court order. Xenaphobia: Fear of ancient warrior princesses.
From: Garry Simmonds To: All Msg #186, 26-Nov-97 23:50:48 Subject: Something to Think About - Heard in the Lunch Room If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for "synonym"? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Is it possible to be totally partial? If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? When it rains why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why is the word "abbreviation" so long? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Reuters: Tuesday - Clinton Deploys Vowels To Kosovo Residents of Sjlbvdnz, Grzny To Be First Recipients. Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bill Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Kosovo. The US move has the full support of both Houses of the British Parliament with British Prime Minister personally endorsing the plan. Prime Minister Tony Blair told reporters "the British public are ready to donate to such a worthy cause".
The deployment, the largest of its kind in British and American history,
will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U
and is hoped to render countless names in Kosovo more pronounceable.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day" Trszg Grzdnjkin, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else". Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters I could be George Humphries. This is my dream".
The NATO airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua,
Eaoiouae, and Aao with vital life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
Standardised European English The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter! In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer. Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!
|
